GRIPES!!

So today was a good day. I was ready to head out to the gym again. Decided for lunch that I'd eat a "sandwich" from a whole wheat bagel, ham & sauteed onions & a cheese slice. And I was very happy to eat real food, and not just a gay salad!
AT the gym, I had done my warm up, then all my circuit training, then my abs...and on my way to the treadmill to finish w/ cardio, I had a trainer (who I've become familiar with) literally push me in to the boot camp class that was just starting. I DID NOT want to do it, I was actually AFRAID to do it or not be able to do it. It was hard, but pretty much "do able"---they just make you do whatever things they can think of to make you sweat! :) But I ended up doing 40 min. of it, on top of what I had already done--so I was happy. Sure glad that tomorrow is my day off.

A new week- - -

I was glad the weekend came to an end & the new week has started. I was ready (even though I was extremely tired) to hit the gym. I didn't make it there friday, but made a HUGE "i will try" effort to go on saturday, but that didn't happen either. So last night I said, I'm ready for monday to go to the gym.
I asked about the menu plan they could give me, and no one was there that knew how to work the program. So I shall wait some more. I'm so paranoid of gaining weight, that I'm afraid to eat! I still do, and I always steal a bite of Kev's cookie, but when it comes down to my meals, I will pace FoReVeR trying to find something to eat THAT WON'T MAKE ME GAIN 5 POUNDS! And it's actually hard to do. Especially when I don't prepare! I usually end up eating some ham or turkey cooked with onions, sometimes beans, and always a veggie. I can't count how many times I've had that for lunch or dinner. I figure it doesn't do too much damage (or so I think, as I've added).
I DO NOT, AND I REPEAT, DO NOT WANT TO GAIN WEIGHT OR BE FAT EVER AGAIN! but even when I'm at the gym, or at home, doesn't matter what I'm wearing, I am STILL skeptical about how I'll look. Or how much weight I'll actually lose or that I can REACH my goal. I'm not giving up, it's just hard for me to see the end result...it's been too long--sniff, sniff!

Another week down....

ALMOST! Yesterday (wednesday) was my day off from the gym. I enjoy the rest for my body, but used the time to get some cleaning and organizing done. too bad you can't tell!!! :(
I made it (of course) to the gym today, and FINALLY completed the 30 minutes cardio (treadmill) at the end that I keep skimping out on!
Tomorrow (UGH!) is weigh in day! Yes I still religiously weigh my self, and I know I need to stop. Especially before I plateau or gain muscle and the number doesn't go down... I'm sure I'll get discouraged!
I had a bar for breakfast, then lunch meat/onions sauteed & some corn.. then I had a protein shake (p90X) for dinner after the gym. I feel okay about the choices I made today. :)

I meant to journal last night, but time got past me! :) I made it to the gym on monday, but didn't finish. i was WAY tooooo exhausted. i ended up taking a nap AND still going to bed at 10. i did NOT feel good. so i felt like on tuesday i kinda didn't want to go, only because i was afraid of failure again! but i made sure i ate a little more and made it there. YIPPEE!
i know i still need to figure out what to eat. i'm not eating the right things, they're healthier, but i know it's not enough "food". and going to gym really sucks because of the lack of it. at the end of this month, i'll be meeting w/ the trainer again and i'll ask them to give me a menu type thing that i can either follow, or take pieces of. the gym is still great fun, and i'm seeing results, but i've become paranoid about the weight going back up..
i got kicked out of FGC.. so anissa is who i'm accountable to. unless someone else wants to ask me what i've eaten & if i went to the gym! kevin acts like he'll be ALL OVER IT.. but he would never do anything to hurt my feelings---he's a softy!!

Weekend time. .

The weekend went as usual. I made it to the gym M,T,TH,& F! I was very pleased :)
Friday I was so busy on the phone, I only ate my bars for breakfast & lunch so by dinner I was ready for FOOD! I was surprised at how little I ate. Saturday kinda started the same way again. By the evening time, I wasn't feeling very good, I was really light headed. I know it was from not eating hardly anything at all the past 2 days. I was soooo tired too. So today I had my omelet for breakfast, then some almonds & protein H2O for a snack. A salad for lunch, which I keep eating less & less of. I REALLY need to find an alternative to it or some better ways to make them. Dinner was a hamburger patty w/ seasoning & chives & some veggies.
I am REALLY not happy right now. I allowed myself to eat cookies tonight. And I'm mostly mad because it wasn't really worth it. I HAVE TO WORK IT OFF... I can't afford TO ALLOW myself to eat "other" things right now. I need to keep my mind focused on where it should be! I am SO CLOSE to the 170's right now that I can taste it. I DO NOT want to go back. I feel so much guilt and disappointment in my self.
I know I can let it go, and not do it again---but I also feel I need to own up to it and not "let it go"! IT'S a big deal. It's not worth it.

Week #3

Today is officially week 3! I technically started on a Friday, but the initial commitment.. never mind. Tomorrow is Friday and we all know that's weigh in day. One can only hope. The gym today was AWSOME! I worked really hard & my body feels it. I'm ready for the BIG CHANGE! For my body to start to transform or at least not look fat :)
I ate my protein bar for breakfast today, then had a green chile chicken on my salad today w/ corn. It's getting harder and harder to eat those blasted salads. Especially while trying to plan ahead to come up with something different to put in them. After lunch I had a jello w/ cream (sugar free jello w/ 10 cal. and fat free reddi whip 5 cal.) pretty much a free treat! Then I was off to the gym. I'm getting the hang of going everyday, or almost that, but getting used to it being a part of my life. Even though this is only my 2nd week, and the most time I've put into it. For dinner I was at a loss as to what to make, so I had a $%*(#^$ salad this time w/ a few tortilla chips and turkey chili. Just opened a can and dumped it on.
As usual I'm worried about weigh in day, but I don't mind so much. I'm trying my best and this is more than I've ever done as far as EFFORT goes! I'm not ready to give up yet!

Catch up again... DANG IT!

I hate playing catch up. Things are still going really good this week. I was able to go to the gym monday & tuesday... and skipped today.. but plan on finishing out the week w/ thursday & friday. i was a GOOD sore, so i liked that. My food is starting to get boring. i'm tired of stressing about being able to only eat 2 things for dinner, and trying to pick which ONE it's going to be. so i need to figure some other stuff out. :(
I'm not ready to give up yet, so that's a freakin' miracle in itself. i really enjoy the gym, especially the alone time, but also knowing i'll be dropping more weight exercising. hopefully i can write more, and not play catch up! :)

The weekend. . .

a.k.a.---catch up LONG POST!

Friday was really a day I didn't enjoy (per landon). Which I was really bummed about too, because I had gone to bed Thursday with such enthusiasm for that day. Nothing could bring me down! Oh but that could. But I made sure that it didn't effect my eating & the choices to remain somewhat happy.
I don't even remember back to Friday & what I ate. And that was only 2 days ago. How sad. I know I did NOT stray, or at least very far if I did.
Saturday started out with my omelet, which was very yummy. I ended up going to the mall w/ the kids and Eileen. I planned ahead and took my bar, I knew the cookie place would kind of be a temptation. But it really never fazed me. I ate my bar around ten and was fine. Brendon asked if we could eat there for lunch, and I just told him no. After having too much fun walking around, I dropped the kids off at my moms, and me and big sis, headed to lunch and pedicures. We had a taco salad that was really good at someburros. And getting our toes done of course was relaxing and fun!! After that it was home time for a while, before heading off into different directions again. I usually never have plans or go anywhere, but today was busy. While heading to visit landon I ate some pistachios and drank my protein water. For dinner, since we were out the door again, this time to McDonalds, I ate some ham slices and 1/2 of jello & whip cream, before the kids stole what was left. At Mcd's I decided I'd better eat a little more of something, so I had the fruit & yogurt parfait. (160 calories 2g fat). Totally okay with THAT option, not too mention it actually tasted really good.
Tonight(Saturday) was the first night, since beginning this adventure, that I ate something at night time. And I won't ever do it again, and I'll tell you why. I hadn't really been feeling 100% all night, since after dinner. I think I was just worn out from the day, and I just really wanted to eat to make me feel better. I wanted everything I could think of! It was 8:00, and I KNOW I'm not allowed food, but I decided to go ahead and eat some cookies, gave in to the sweet tooth, but it was a 100 calorie pack of mini chips ahoy. I didn't give myself too much grief because it was that few of calories, but I also knew I did NOT want this habit back. But that wasn't even the deciding factor of guilt. While I was eating them, Kevin had asked me why I was eating them? And I said, I just don't feel well, I know I need something, so this is what I'm having. And he said to me (very disappointed) You're just gonna throw everything (meaning what I've worked for) AWAY?? And I couldn't believe how disappointed he was in me. Of course I said, NO!! This is a one time thing! And I really meant it too, because I don't ever want to feel his bummed feelings again. I guess he really is into me doing all this stuff! Who knew! :) (not I)
Sunday was a normal day. Breakfast, snack & lunch were all how they should be. Dinner was tricky tonight, because we ate my moms, and that can NEVER be a good thing. She had mashed potatoes and gravy, baked chicken--which is crackers crumbs coating the chicken then dumped in a pan of 2 sticks of butter to bake in----then corn & green beans. I knew I had to eat, and my early thoughts of making my own chicken slipped my mind til it was too late. I left the potatoes and gravy behind without a tear. Just knew I wasn't going to have them, and that was that! (planning ahead is GREAT!) the chicken was small strips so I took about 3 or 4 and just had the vegs. After a while I had my jello cream!
I'm looking forward to the week. Weekends, though I love them, always mess up the some what schedules you have. But I always love being able to do whatever knowing we don't have plans, or work, or school. But a semi routine (which is all we have) always gets missed.

My mood right now is spectacular! I am a weather fanatic & I am SPEECHLESS right now with this weather. A true monsoon has finally come and is not disappointing. One thing I get truly obsessed with is storms. I love hurricane season, tornadoes are unbelievable, I CAN'T fathom baseball size hail--I'll believe it when I see it! Thunder, lightning, hail, pouring rain, all give me a rush of a huge HAPPY MOOD! But, now to the beginning of my day. Had a ham omelet for breakfast, and my bar for a snack. We went to the movies this morning and I decided last night, as well as this morning I wasn't going to have popcorn. I was so scared to go just for that reason.. Well, and taking a 20 month old!! I decided to even call Carol, on the way so that I could actually VOICE my decision hoping that would make it harder for me to break. And wouldn't you know....it all worked. I didn't have one deliciously smelling, buttery warmness, piece! HEYYYOOO!! (our way of saying woop woop) It was so HARD. I just kept sucking on that diet coke. Then I thought, I'll just have a handle full or two. Or I'll just have one piece. And I had to talk myself out of it every time. Did I mention it was hard??!!
Lunch was a grilled chicken salad from burger king, on the way home. I didn't use much of the light dressing. I got hungry not long after lunch, I must not have eaten it all, or a lot of it. So I had some sparkling H20 and some slivered almonds. I was still too empty, so I had a sugar free pudding & decided that IF I still was hungry, I was out of luck til dinner at BAJIOS with the girls!
And let me just say BAJIOS with the girls ROCKED! The food--of course--was so yummy, and the company--of course--was a blast. I'd love to do it more often, but I know with going to the gym when Kevin gets home, it would be hard to leave more & more and for longer periods of time.
Tomorrow is weigh in day, and I almost feel stressed about it. I always weigh myself during the week, but don't "count" it until Friday, then I mark it. I saw the number dip WAY down this week, but it's come back up (still lower than last weeks official) so I know it was a fluke number. I'm just worried at how low or close it will still be. AND I know that I shouldn't weigh myself like that, for that very reason. But oh well. I'm confident the number will be less, I'd just like it to be more than 1 pound less.
Either way, I highly doubt it will affect my happy attitude. I'll just try harder. Friday night is always date night ( I mean groceries at walmart) so I'd really like to get to the gym before our evening begins. In fact, maybe I'll go in the morning and send the kids to the kid club. I'm so motivated that sounds like a great plan. This is FINALLY IT, I will finally be where I want to be, and look how I wanna look (or close--I actually don't know anymore)!!
Wow, what a day for journaling! I have no idea who this lady is that just said all of this stuff. :)

I think I'm so tired my eyes hurt! Today was an absolute WONDERFUL day.
Meals were awsome today. The usuals all around. Omelet, snack, salad, then a sugar free pudding because I didn't eat all my salad, it wasn't good.
I headed off to the gym just before 5 and I was already pretty hungry for dinner, so I had 1/2 of my bar. I knew I couldn't go work out on that much of an empty stomach. I already love going to the gym, and I've figured out what my apprehensions were about it. Time flies while I'm there, but I enjoy it.
I was ready to eat once I got home, and dinner was ready & waiting, because I started it before I left & Kevin finished it! What a handsome guy! :)
I am already starting to "feel different"! I don't have those days where I feel yucky or just "not good" because of what I was eating. The weight that I've lost AND being able to go to the gym has already made me feel thinner. And I know I'm not...just yet....but I know it's the happy, positive attitude that I pray for and look forward to. Because I KNOW that if I wasn't seeing results or feeling different about myself, then why would I continue this??

My day today was 100% better than yesterday. I started off my day w/ an omelet made w/ veggies and ham. Then my mid morning snack ..a protein bar. Which made it perfect all morning long till lunch. I had a salad along w/ the usuals. Kevin was home by 3:00 today, so I actually was able to go to the gym earlier than planned. I only had a very small handful of slivered almonds because I was already out the door. Dinner was very yummy--chicken in the crock pot cooked with green enchilada sauce and a few packets of sweetener along with steamed peas & corn. I'm sure my portion size is too much. But eating so little through out the day, I figure I can EAT dinner, be satisfied all night, and not worry about it. Especially when I make something this healthy.
I am very pleased with how my day turned out today. It was much easier to handle than yesterday, AND I was able to go to the gym by my self. This whole day was on a prayer! TRUST ME!
My thoughts were not constantly directed at food,even though kiersten's cookies looked yummy! If my days can consist of this kind "happenings" the next 6 months are in the BANK!

I felt hungry today. I didn't have my eggs for breakfast, so instead I had my protein bar & a cheese stick. But by 9 or so I was hungry, and I knew that I had already eaten my mid morning snack. I think that through of my whole day!! :(
I was ready for lunch early. I had a salad w/ meat, corn, beans & salsa. I was expecting to taste delicious and it was just "okay". I ate it because I was hungry, obviously, but I was bummed that it didn't taste how I planned. I've gotten pretty creative w/ my salads, so it was a let down.
Not long after lunch I was hungry again--(what's the deal??). I ate a fudgecicle w/ the kiddos. Of course that wasn't going to make me not hungry, but I hoped it would satisfy the need to eat as well as a chocolate fix. By 2 or so, I was hungry again and knew we were going to the hospital, and I wasn't sure when I'd get to eat again, so I ate another bar w/ a diet coke. It was sooo yummy!
I finally had dinner around 5:30 @ McDonalds. I had the southwest grilled chicken salad. I was very impressed that it tasted so good. Especially after they gave me low fat Italian dressing.. (eww!) but it really went w/ the salad, and it was one of the best I've ever had.
I'm hungry right now, but ignoring it. I'm really starting to miss things now. Eating pretzels w/ the kids, having ice cream w/ Kevin, and eating at night. Kevin says that he figured that would pass since I was seeing results. And I told him, well, that's keeping from eating right now (at night), but it's not taking away the desire to eat ice cream, doritos, donuts, all the good stuff. Things like that bother me. I know the results are there (or coming) but everyone else eats it, so I want to. I don't want to be left out--I want to enjoy.
I'm holding strong for now, but I notice my hunger more, or at least the "wanting" to act on it. I do my best to look the other way and ignore it. And I do good for the most part, but there is a small amount of me, that just wants to be human again. Rejoin the human race.
I have my next trainer meeting in the morning. And I can't understand why it is that I don't want to go. Or why I've lost the PUMP that was driving me last week. I really wish I didn't have to go alone, but that's all I have right now, and I need to take it to the bank. Get ME time, let Kevin get KID time, and while I have ME time, get some weight LOSS time.

My fire hath burned OUT!

I can't believe it. Carol left for 2 days and I've lost everything. (or so it seems)

• I've lost my ExTrA happiness I felt in my steps!
• I've let my reading/praying slip (causing #1 I'm sure)!
• I've lost that FiRe to get me to the gym!
• I gave in and had some chunk of a cookie..(which actually, I rather give IN to 1/4 of it than eat a whole bag of something.. so there WAS some sort of discipline!)

I didn't think 1 (or even) 2 days could do that to me. I'm obviously still a rookie who needs much teaching. But I know that now, and I can work on it. I was able to talk to Eileen tonight and amazingly that brought me UP a touch. It helped me to remember that SHE'S doing this as well, and weight lost is the ONLY thing that needs to be in this picture. She's told me she's sticking to things and seeing some weight loss! (whoopwhoop!) I also talked to Carol and realized how much I need her. I'll be glad when she's home again, and we can pick up where we left off. I've missed having emails, phone calls, text messages, and double emails offering encouragement, reading assignments & good lucks!

Here's to this upcoming week. Hopefully my RUT had to do with my 1st weekend as well. I have a reading assignment to complete tonight, and I'm already feeling tired. But I promised Carol I would do it, and DO IT I SHALL!

My day went well again. I ate lunch after the gym, and it wasn't that good today. I didn't finish it. But I knew I needed a little more food, so I had my jello w/ whip cream on it. And for dinner we had super nachos! No fat refried beans, meat,lettuce, and 5 chips (I was feeling daring!) and everyone else had cheese as well. It was very enjoyable and I loved just having that small amount of chips in it!
I read Mosiah chapter 1 liked you asked me to. I prayed before doing so, asking to have my mind & heart opened that I might understand it & I also asked to remember what I read, so I could apply it. And I'll be a son of a gun--I can't remember a thing, or even really what to tell you I read. I know when I read it, it made sense to me, I wasn't lost and I understood it. But right now as I type, I can't tell you a thing. I'm trying to figure that out.
I look forward to tomorrow to see what other things might come about.

This was such a cute picture of Raegan playing the piano with me..I really like it :)

My day today was much better then yesterday's, and even the day before that.
I've been having my omelets for breakfast and salads for lunch. I figured out what works for me & that's eating a Special K protein bar (180c. 10g protein, 5gfiber)--around 9 or 10! Whenever I make it to quick trip to get my soda fix. It has helped me tremendously to eat that. And IF after lunch I get hungry I usually will have a small handful of slivered almonds & my sparkling water, or a cheese stick. I haven't had any kind of allowed "treat" after dinner and haven't been eating anything AT ALL after dinner for that matter.
Tomorrow is my first official day at the gym. I have a one hour meeting with the trainer and they will be taking me through everything I'll need to be doing right now. And in 30 days, they will REMIND me to come in again, and do it all over again--to get weighed, measured, and if the workout needs to be tweaked (plateau) then they adjust it. My goal right now is Monday,Tuesday, Thursday & Friday.
I can't tell you how scared, excited, nervous, EVERYTHING I am about going to the gym. I really want to work myself to where it should be and where my possibilities are. Of course, the gym is always intimidating, but their concept there is different, and they will never let you be lost or confused. *I need that*
I want to really watch the weight come off, and be an example to my family, friends, and who ever else wants to stare at me...(wink, wink)