Why do I have to be fat????

That is definitely a question I always have... cause even when I'm "skinnier" I'm still fat, not skinny.

I've always thought as myself as pretty. I'm not saying I'm the hottest person alive, cause I know i'm not.. but i do think i have beautiful qualities... but my WEIGHT is not one of them! i remember the first time i got 'fatter'. it was just after we were married.. and i was on the pill. i think i went from 125 to 135.. oh wow! but i distinctly remember getting out of the shower thinking.. my stomach looks a little 'poofy'. kev noticed it too, but i wasn't HUGE or anything, so it didn't matter, and clothes didn't fit tight.
not long after that, i was pregnant and gaining 60 pounds.. worst time of my life. i was thin, very thin.. and i went to this nasty thing. gross, fat, unattractive, hated pictures. i only lost about 30 lbs of that weight. i finally joined jenny craig. i lost 20 lbs and i looked great!!!! i was still not pre pregnancy.. but i was way better! one can only afford JC for so long. so i quit. slowly gained it all back over time, and then got pregnant. gaining 50 lbs this time-- was still disappointing. i remember quickly losing 30-40 lbs.. with no effort but i still seemed bigger than before.
after about 8 months, i started getting sick. (now we all know why and how..) but i lost 40 lbs during this time. it was horrible !!! but weighing 140 lbs.. was something i hadn't seen in YEARS.. and i loved it. skinny clothes.. un-fat face.. kev couldn't keep his hands off me. i got healthy and over the sickness and gained 10 lbs. no one could tell, but i knew i did. and i was okay with it, cause i was 'better'. well i continued to feel better.. and the scale went back up. til i got pregnant again then it really went up! another 40-50 lbs.
i've never lost all of it again. i go up and down the same 20 lbs. i usually don't gain weight-- unless i'm a total sloth! which i have been. i still remember each weight i was when i went to the hospital. 1) 204. 2)225. 3)214

i've tried jenny craig, weight watchers, slim fast, vitamins (w/ energy & metabolism boosters), calorie count, wellness challenges, protein diet, 90day body makeover (diet/exercise), south beach diet, erleens diet, isogenix.
i look at skinny pictures of myself, or other people, i read or research different ideas, i cry myself to sleep from depression, i make 'pacts' with friends to help, i say i'm finally gonna do something, i think about 'personal' things.. and feel bad.
i wish i weighed less, i wish i could wear what i want--not what hides it, i wish i didn't feel bad that kevin's married to the 'fat girl', i wish my weight showed the hotness i know is there! i wish i could run.. just run and not look back. (til i'm home)

why cant any of those reasons help me. people say, 'cause you want to be fat'.. i doubt i want to be fat.. it makes me miserable! my ass is huge!!!

i LOVE cooking, baking, and trying new things. i love cooking a dinner that was sooo yummy, yet i got away with very few calories. its the best feeling and of course encouraging. i don't mind eating 'non healthy' things or having ice cream. i see nothing wrong with it. but constantly doing it and eating all day long makes me sick and nasty feeling all inside. i hate it.
i hate people looking at me thinking.. remember she used to be skinny... or they never knew it at all, or they could never imagine it..cz its not possible.
i already know that diabetes and blood pressure problems run in the family, so does weight. again--- why don't i do anything.
What is the definition of ME???

i'm in the home stretch now! woohoo.. i love anissa, shes the best! :D
its time i stepped up the exercise game tho. :( we are gonna keep doing the challenge w/ 2 free days. just us 2.. me and her, her and me... the last 2 coconuts on the tree. ;)
pegged the girls 2nite, and then mowed some of moms yard. ran out of light, not to mention i was coloring mom & cray's hair. haha
hoping to make it to thursday for free day. i feel pretty good these days, and happy. that's always good.

took scripture point today. too tired to try. ready for bed and for the day to be over.
my bed is really calling me! and all those pillows and padding underneath me! ha
the week is almost over. thank goodness! i'm just glad today is pretty much over. wheeww!
next week is last week of challenge. so strange that 12 weeks is coming to an end. what have i done with myself! or ANYTHING.
i'm sure anissa will never do another one. but i'm up for it anytime! :D

well, i took some 'after' pics today. the last ones i took were in january. i wish i was ecstatic about my body, but at least there was a DIFFERENCE! that was nice to see. not sure how i feel about posting those pics, i'll have to think about it. (i'm dressed.. just in tight clothes) blehh!

weather was beautiful today---and i know its gonna turn HOT! boo did a lot of biking w/ the kids. back and forth and around. they love being on the pegs!

had toast for breakfast, neds for lunch, tacos for dinner. had granola and a banana and grapes.
i'm tired right now..ready for bed. kids are sleeping at moms, so i get to enjoy my bed.

another day down... this staying up late stuff has GOT TO GO! i'm tired all day long.
had shake for dinner. subway for lunch w/ jania & kids.. signed up raegan for dance too. she's so excited! :D
rode the bike this morning.. time for me to find a trail that keeps going and going! like---for MILES! hahaha
still need to read, but everything else is done. wish THAT was done. but oh well!!

i'm a little happy w/ the 'weight' on the side of the page. :D (well, happy its lower.. not happy its that high!!)
mowed and edged today.. weather is trying to cool down a bit, which is nice. it needs to stay like this for another week or two.. maybe we can make it til MAY before we turn on the A.C.
hoping to go for a bike ride later, but of course its windy... might do pilates instead.
finally finished ALMA!! i was totally excited that i accomplished, what seemed to be a forever task! it was long.... i'm that much closer to finishing the BofM. first time ever.
getting ready to have shake now, and it sounds delicious--haven't had it lately, or at least for a few days.. i'm missing that chocolate treat!

i have a HEADACHE! boo

took exercise point today. wishing i could have sweets... bad. but i think its cz i had it yesterday and so i crave it once i have it.. or feel like my body needs it. (is that anyway true anissa???)

ready for the next week i guess. only 3 weeks left.. i'm still goin' strong.
somehow the house is a mess AGAIN.. probably cz the 4 girls were here when we went to the game. maybe i can clean tomorrow--gonna have the girls for a few hours--but maybe i can clean.

life is good.. and i am happy.
cleaned both kids rooms.. (they were horrible) talk about a workout!!! :(
did my room, and both bathrooms. pushups, and weights.
had shake again for dinner.. short a tad on the fruits, and it always sounds good, plus i hadnt had it yet.
accomplished all points today.. not sure if i'll do sweet tomorrow or saturday. going to the game tomorrow night, so it might be fun to eat something there.. but i'm sure my TIME will be up. so i might just wait.

all points done today! woot...
pushing the girls out back on the swing seems to be a daily exercise regimen for me. HA rode to dunkin donuts and back. rode to moms to get rae, then pegged to stowells to get the other 2. so i pegged all 3 home.
had shake for dinner.. didnt have anything prepared, and hadnt had all fruits yet. but just ate an orange too.. that was yummy.. wish i was getting my fruit from MY trees. ah well..
almost the weekend.. ish.. haha, i guess it's only wednesday. oh well.

well, well, well... :( its only tuesday and i took SODA/FF POINT! i was completely disappointed in myself earlier, but i'm okay now. oh well!!! guess that point is gone for the week. spent the day trying to clean, AGAIN, and tashina was here.. i decided i wanted to have soda, and work hard today..
went riding to eileens to get mail and back. blasted wind kept blowing me back. how does it always get windy when i RIDE??? :-]
had toast for dinner---wasnt feeling TOO good from all the soda. but i enjoyed having that and not FAST FOOD contributing to my 'aches & pains'. :D
made the kids chore charts to start getting things RIGHT around here.. i'm tired of everything.

what a crappy day!
i'm ready to give up and EAT/DRINK everything!!! arghhh! i hate when that happens.
mowed the front lawn today. will do pilates later on. decided that cleanse WILL be goal for the week. i also notice that by NOT keeping track of calories i am more apt to just eat/snack on small things. EVEN tho they are healthy. :( if i dont keep track, then in my mind it doesnt count. haha.. soooo sad, but true i guess. makes me mad.
wish the kids had bikes that were able to be used as a long ride.. not tippy training wheels and broken bikes. cause i'd LOVE to go for a ride w/ them. i'd even put rae in a trailer so we could go farther.
heres to tomorrow being a BETTER day. :D

well, i survived the week.. and it was a good one! (other than being sick monday.) but i learned my lesson i think. :D
took exercise point today. i bike to moms w/ k & r on it. then to stowells. then janias and home. almost didnt need to take point, but i know it wasnt 45 minutes worth.
have i ever mentioned i love NO HUNGRY days?? cause i do!!
4 weeks left, and i'm still at a perfect score. not sure yet, what goal for this week is. guess i'll figure it out tomorrow. might be cleanse again. havent done it since i got sick.

took sweet point today.. enjoyed 3 cookies.. promised to not eat the rest of them.. they were delish and totally enjoyed them.. but what a waste of 390 CALORIES! :(
biked this morning to mesa dr. and back.. probably do pilates later on to finish off.
have pinewood derby tonight--having dinner there tonight as well. brendon took FIRST PLACE at the scout Pinewood Derby. yay-boo!
kevin kept looking at me today. he says i looked like a girl..haha -- all showered and stuff w/ earrings.. weirdo. :D

its FRIDAY!
did entire kitchen today... including floors, hallway, front room. pushed girls on the swing ( i think i do that everyday!) biked to baseline--then to country club--and back home. did 3/4 of ab ripper X. got interrupted. starting to feel a groove now of working out. like i want to do it, and want to achieve something.
im hoping that i can keep the mind set of MODERATION!! allow myself things, just not in an extreme manner. HA
might take point for scripture tonight... beings everything else is complete.. just being lazy i guess.

its almost the weekend... yay!!
had eggs & toast.. then apple & almonds.. STARVING!!.. picked soda point today cz i was feeling the need for one!! enjoyed 2.. hahahaha.. had a teeny bag of cheetos. banana & pb. had veggie pizza for din w/ carrots as an appetizer.
did pilates again and walking the dog now. only need to read and the list is complete!! :D

Feeling much better than MONDAY!! that's for dang sure. NO MORE OF THOSE COOKIES!

goal is going well...counting calories. the website, caloriecount.com, goes in to detail the vitamins, nutrients, what i had--didn't have.. so its cool to see it. :D

did pilates yesterday and today. other things yesterday, and lifted weights tonight. i feel my body getting stronger. there is only 4 weeks of the challenge left, and of course that scares me. :(
its MY ChOiCe, and i need to make the right decision---KEEP GOING.

well shoot! i will never learn... that eating too much of ONE THING, can still make me sick.
feeling the effects of those sugar free cookies today.. in a bad WAY!!

goal was going to be calorie count, but if i have something like moms roll, or homemade bread, i have no way of knowing the cals for it. and today, since i dont feel good, i'm gonna have soup and bread for dinner. not sure how to 'add' that up. (or use my website)

mowed the lawn, cleaned the house some, gardened AGAIN.. we keep buying stuff.. sheesh! :D

seems like the days stay busy... got the bedroom completely cleaned today.. and the girls too. did bathrooms as well.. went for a bike ride too.

eileen brought me ocean blue.. SHE LOVES ME! it was so good.. i enjoyed it muchly!
stayed up late last night.. feeling today and NOW.. :( i'm gonna read and probably head off to bed.
poor raegan fell in the hallway today. not sure what damage she did to her teeth and/or gums. time will tell.. then she fell twice on the bike ride. skinned her knee pretty bad. then she fell off the play house. i swear she has not had LUCK today! poor thing. she even took a nap earlier.

wish i had fancy stuff to post about... maybe i should take pics of some of my yummy food.. or my beautiful self...

transplanted the corn plants today, DETAILED the car, spread weed & feed on the lawn.. then WE fixed the tire on my bike.. YAY! i can ride again.. put the door knob on the door for the chicken coop, released lady bugs. and i think that's it! don't recall sitting too much today.. which is unusual.

still doing the liver cleanse.. that's gonna be goal this week. i never DIED from it... haha, and i'm assuming its doing something... cz i cant tell.
i'm enjoying feeling somewhat 'thinner'. a couple of people say they notice, but i'm not sure.
here's to another week... its MONDAY!

another week down.. and I'M WISHING I WASNT DOING ANYTHING.... i've reached the point where i want to go 'back' to my own self.. LAZY, LAZY, LAZY! boo for me..

had eggs on 1/2 bagel.. white to be in fact.. and that was strange!! had a salad for lunch, then the shake. had eggs again for dinner w/ toast (homemade bread) that was yummy AND satisfying.

mowed the front yard.. walked 25 w/ mom.. and pegged brendon home.. :D

i'm exhausted... nothing else to say!! boo

walked the big DOG this morning.. and glad i did! was gone from 10-3:30. went straight to doing other things.. and just now finished... its 8. no wonder i'm tired. took sweet point today, and i'm kinda bummed. i didn't need it, but just chose to do it. i knew i couldn't have fast food, but when everyone else had it, i took a shake instead. i drank the whole thing (and felt it later) and wish i didnt. i WASN'T that hungry.. i WASN'T forced to have it.. it WASN'T my only choice.

maybe one day i can still learn from my mistakes. its time to step up my game. springs breaks over and maybe some routine will settle me down.

journaled on paper last night.. thats usually why i skip days.. i write (or type) where its handy.
its friday, and i'm just lost! its been spring break so i have no clue what day it is!
went to lunch w/ jania and kids.. then to kiwanis park to play. dropping kids off at moms tonight to sleep and going to a movie w/ jania and dave.

drinking shake now.. .but HAVE to figure out exercise before dinner and movie. 3 kids and no kevin... not to mention tile ONLY, so laying down workouts aren't really an option... can someone just exercise FOR ME??? :D kinda wishing i had a trailer for the bike so i could take raegan. but i know kiersten would think she's invited.. and shes not.. TOO HEAVY!!!!

today was a good day! managed to get all the things in that needed to be done, and NOT at the last minute. did 35 min of kenpo.. before being INTERRUPTED by Raegan who decided to balance then fall... coming to a crashing fall! what a dork. so after dinner we went for a walk and i pulled kids in the ol' wagon.

foil dinner tonight W/ sweet potatoes.. oh and some rolls.. oopsies!! that was calories i didn't need!! salad for lunch, and my shake later, cakes & eggs for breakfast.

made it today w/ out using points again. thinking of using ff/soda point tomorrow while i'm off traveling.. but maybe i wont need to. we shall see!

i'm a little sad right now... ONLY bcz the girls got their ears pierced.. i cant believe my baby did it too!! :( i keep trying to keep her small... but that was a huge step for big girl days!! boooo

spent the day w/ Niss. had corn black bean salsa for lunch w/ her homemade chips. used some of that for dinner too w/ some meat for tacos. pretty tastey!! :D

walked w/ k-dawg tonight w/ leuscher. i was gonna take a point, cz it was late, but he loves me and was very kind to go with me. hopefully i can do exercise BEFORE its too late tomorrow.

MONDAY, MONDAY

goal for the week is NO dishes in the sink. and that does NOT mean i have to clean the whole kitchen.. (just making that clear)

cleaned out the car for my extra point! woohoo.. not sure how i'm gonna spend it yet. i'm thinking ff/soda.. cz we're planning on going to movies w/ jania and dave. after ice cream on saturday, i decided it was fun and we should do it again. :D

still read to kids before bed.. rae fell asleep while i was reading. its so sweet when that happens. the other 2 were tired as well.. kiersten just kept smiling. i think she was in a daze.

OH.. we ate a strawberry today out of the garden. it was FREAKIN' DELICIOUS!!

had erleens shake for breakfast this morning.. forgot how good it actually was.. haha enjoyed subway for lunch w/ mom and the girls! then had some fresh strawberries... SOOOO good!
gonna have pizza tonight. veggie of course, cz thats allowed. kids will have pepperoni.

planning on doing pilates for exercise today. oh joy! there has got to be a WAY to not be fat.. ugh!

wish i was taking a nap right now. just sounds good. i'm not necessarily tired per say, just the weathers perfect and the blankets look comfy.

well SNAP! i took a sweet point today! had sugar cookies (AND MAY I EMPHASIZE THE PLURAL) today w/ the scouts... i feel so full and bleh! why do i do that? say i dont want it, yet its there and as soon as my foots in the 'door' i cant help myself! WHAT A NERD.

watched anissa's babes today.. oh how i LOVED to hold a baby again. and to have her fall asleep on my shoulder.. sniff sniff.. we snuggled under a blanket on the couch. (dont tell anissa, but i kissed her a few times... ) walker was perfect and played the whole time. he just kept saying, 'i'm not going home yet.'

rode the bike for 20, then a little more, then walked a little. and might i add that holding rylie was NUTS w/ my sore kenpo arms.. ugh!

i hate the sweet point and wish i never used it or made it a part of my life. :( i'll stick w/ agave and the treats i make with it. :-)

anyone? anyone? where are all my commenter's... okay, so i only have ONE. boo :(

had cereal for breakfast today... i notice that i get MORE hungry, by the time its lunch time, but not necessarily sooner. just saying that out loud. had bean salad for lunch. shake of course, and then erleens soup and corn bread for dinner. at least my mom was smart enough to buy low fat mix. haha

opted NOT to ride the bike today.. a tad too WINDY!! did kenpo instead. i used to love doing that w/ kev on saturdays.. it was our thang!

somehow i got a burst of energy after dinner and cleaned the whole kitchen. i wanted to just do dishes, but ended up doing counters and everything. and i'm pretty sure that if i didnt have to get kids down, i would have done the whole house.. it was nuts.

Monday... OVER

survived it.. with no points used. (unless i change my mind.. haha)
gonna read to the kids still.. that's goal this week. well, actually.. just additional reading is the goal. since i wanted scripture to be goal.. that wouldn't really work. so scripture is scripture and additional reading is the goal goal.

i've lost a total of 8 lbs so far. :D guess i'm kinda happy.. =)

i HATE SUNDAYS!! going to both parents on sunday night, and trying to get 3 kids to bed immediately after----DOES NOT happen.

i made homemade chocolate ice cream today (agave style). it was good!! tasted like a frosty from wendys.. soft serve ish.

had my shake for breakfast, and then erleens soup for lunch. had almonds later, cz i was soooo hungry. had stacked enchiladas for dinner, then my ice cream after! :D

heres to yet ANOTHER WEEK!

saturday has come and gone!! and what the HECK did i accomplish??
. a baptism/party
. prepared the veggies for the said party
. showering (with the works)
. mowed lawn AND edged it
. planted new things in the garden (including flowers)
. planted MORE strawberry plants
. got groceries
. ate dinner at subway w/ the family
NO WONDER I'M READY FOR BED!

i did take a sweet point today. i forget since i already had taken one that i can more the other days!! haha !! so i was figuring out what to take where.. yesterday i took journal point.

i love kevin, brendon, kiersten, and raegan!! they all make me smile!!
(and so does my best friend dave)

what started as a crappy (sleeping) night.. and horrible morning.. turned out to be not so bad.
once i got my shake in, i was happy!!! then went for a bike ride, which made me EVEN happier. i rode pueblo to 24th street, then down to elliot and back. my bum gives up before the rest of me does. =)

had ham/egg rolls for breakfast. then ranch beans/ w light sour cream and multi grain crackers. (dont ask... pissy mood) THEN OF COURSE---i got my shake. went to BRENDON'S game, again. and i had like 2 pretzels--and as i picked up the 3rd one.. i saw a slightly large person and put it down. i realized that even tho it was only 'pretzels' and it was only 1 or 2, it wasnt gonna help me be where i wanna be.

heres to another weekend ahead... where does the time go!!??

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! (to me...) :D

kevin took me to lunch w/ the girls. we went to flancers. i had a veggie sandwich (cukes, tomatoes, avocados, spinach, roasted bell peppers, chz and a chile mayo or something.) didnt really taste that part of the sandwich.. but the rest was delicious. i took the chz off, cz thats gross! i enjoyed a root beer and fries too. but i'm over it now. i just want water, i'm thirsty.

later we'll go get ice cream w/ the kids---or the like.

rode the bike to mesa drive and back--then over to lindsay and back. 40 mins. it was fun, but i want to go more still.

that DARN cake is gone finally.. phewww... note to self--dont make it when you're the only one that eats it!

oh how i look forward to having my shake. it makes me feel better and gets me through the day. i just wish it motivated me to exercise.. cause i'm not FEELING it today.. :(

i get sweets tomorrow (for free) cause its my birthday.. and i cant believe i don't have anything in mind to enjoy or 'want'. oh well... guess that's good!! gonna make foil dinners tonight. we have primary softball, again, so that can cook while we're gone! how perfect am i??!!

maybe i'm just tired today! i didn't go to bed early with the kids..i stayed up talking to anissa... GOSH!

day went good.. til now! all of a sudden everything is fallen apart!!! i'm tired.. and i've knocked over or spilt at least 10 things.. so maddening!!! ugh.

rode the bike to alma school and back. that was fun (besides traffic sometimes). i'm really ready to go farther and longer.. ALOT FARTHER. time to step it up. :D

i dont even want to write anymore--- so i want. i still havent showered or finished the laundry. and i gotta get kids ready for bed. AND I'M THIRSTY. (but who asked.. right??)

2nd week is OVER. i just have to behave today cause its not free day.
made texas sheet cake today. agave style with wheat flour. i think it tastes PRETTY GOOD!

i'm looking forward to next week of course..i'm ready for a bike ride! might take an exercise point today cz its still raining. i was gonna go for a walk later. guess we'll see what happens.

long day ahead! but at least exercise is out of the way. me and boo went for a bike ride. :D

kevin and the girls are at a daddy/daughter activity. we have the freestone picnic right after that and charity & jr's luncheon in the middle of that.

tomorrow is NOT free day. did the points this week.

i cant believe i don't have any words to write!! that almost never happens.

2nd week.. coming to a close! (well, its Friday anyway.)

life is good and i LOVE the challenge.. have i mentioned that before? hmmmmm
I'm really enjoying bicycling! i am ready for a fancy seat and maybe even a better bike. one that HASN'T been abused. I'm ready to make my rides longer/go farther. how cool is that?!

i LOVE my shake that I've made up. its perfect for my chocolate fix, a great snack, a healthy one, not to mention low on the calorie scale BUT keeps me full forever!
HERE IT IS:
1 cup almond milk**40
1 cup mixed berries**70
1 tsp powdered greens**10
2 tbs oats**38
2 tbs chocolate syrup (agave style) .. sometimes a tad more. either way, 1 tbs is 24 cals.
total cals for that is ........ 208
adding a 1/2 banana is 55 cals. (too much flavor for a whole one)
i have this EVERYDAY.. without fail. its my afternoon treat and pick me up.

anissa, i know you will read this--- i love you for doing the challenge. i don't know why this is the only thing that pushes me to do what i gotta do. but it works for me and i love doing it. I'm happy and feel good. i honestly don't even care about the money. i just wanna do this forever. all i keep thinking about is NOT weighing so much. i hope this time i make some permanent changes instead of just looking for the end!! I'd be fat w/ out ya Dave! well, i still am.. but you know i mean. PEACE

long time no post!! been more convenient to write on paper, then to try and log on here.
second challenge started feb 15. i'm excited because i gained all the weight back from last time. boo! but i plan on doing things different this time. i plan on sticking with it, (did i say that last time???) but i think i finally realized, in my OWN head, that i cant lose weight and eat junk. maybe later when i'm happy and i workout hard, i can reward myself.. but i have to keep my self in check!

last week was a perfect score. i lost 3 pounds. my starting weight was 195. AGAIN... I HATE THAT NUMBER!!!!!

heres to 11 more weeks.. yeehaw! =)