Why do I have to be fat????

That is definitely a question I always have... cause even when I'm "skinnier" I'm still fat, not skinny.

I've always thought as myself as pretty. I'm not saying I'm the hottest person alive, cause I know i'm not.. but i do think i have beautiful qualities... but my WEIGHT is not one of them! i remember the first time i got 'fatter'. it was just after we were married.. and i was on the pill. i think i went from 125 to 135.. oh wow! but i distinctly remember getting out of the shower thinking.. my stomach looks a little 'poofy'. kev noticed it too, but i wasn't HUGE or anything, so it didn't matter, and clothes didn't fit tight.
not long after that, i was pregnant and gaining 60 pounds.. worst time of my life. i was thin, very thin.. and i went to this nasty thing. gross, fat, unattractive, hated pictures. i only lost about 30 lbs of that weight. i finally joined jenny craig. i lost 20 lbs and i looked great!!!! i was still not pre pregnancy.. but i was way better! one can only afford JC for so long. so i quit. slowly gained it all back over time, and then got pregnant. gaining 50 lbs this time-- was still disappointing. i remember quickly losing 30-40 lbs.. with no effort but i still seemed bigger than before.
after about 8 months, i started getting sick. (now we all know why and how..) but i lost 40 lbs during this time. it was horrible !!! but weighing 140 lbs.. was something i hadn't seen in YEARS.. and i loved it. skinny clothes.. un-fat face.. kev couldn't keep his hands off me. i got healthy and over the sickness and gained 10 lbs. no one could tell, but i knew i did. and i was okay with it, cause i was 'better'. well i continued to feel better.. and the scale went back up. til i got pregnant again then it really went up! another 40-50 lbs.
i've never lost all of it again. i go up and down the same 20 lbs. i usually don't gain weight-- unless i'm a total sloth! which i have been. i still remember each weight i was when i went to the hospital. 1) 204. 2)225. 3)214

i've tried jenny craig, weight watchers, slim fast, vitamins (w/ energy & metabolism boosters), calorie count, wellness challenges, protein diet, 90day body makeover (diet/exercise), south beach diet, erleens diet, isogenix.
i look at skinny pictures of myself, or other people, i read or research different ideas, i cry myself to sleep from depression, i make 'pacts' with friends to help, i say i'm finally gonna do something, i think about 'personal' things.. and feel bad.
i wish i weighed less, i wish i could wear what i want--not what hides it, i wish i didn't feel bad that kevin's married to the 'fat girl', i wish my weight showed the hotness i know is there! i wish i could run.. just run and not look back. (til i'm home)

why cant any of those reasons help me. people say, 'cause you want to be fat'.. i doubt i want to be fat.. it makes me miserable! my ass is huge!!!

i LOVE cooking, baking, and trying new things. i love cooking a dinner that was sooo yummy, yet i got away with very few calories. its the best feeling and of course encouraging. i don't mind eating 'non healthy' things or having ice cream. i see nothing wrong with it. but constantly doing it and eating all day long makes me sick and nasty feeling all inside. i hate it.
i hate people looking at me thinking.. remember she used to be skinny... or they never knew it at all, or they could never imagine it..cz its not possible.
i already know that diabetes and blood pressure problems run in the family, so does weight. again--- why don't i do anything.
What is the definition of ME???